Women’s forums are filled with screams of despair from young mothers: I hate my child when he yells, what should I do? And after bouts of anger, bouts of remorse follow – how can you be so annoyed with a sweet angel? After all, this means that she is not a mother, but an echidna, and she will burn in hell for terrible thoughts …
Together with the psychologist Yevgeny Zinger, we are figuring out whether such recurring “anti-mother” feelings are the norm and what to do at such moments so as not to harm your own child?
When the angel pisses you off, share the anger
“When my daughter cries because of colic, I just get furious with these screams! And after another attack, I see my daughter sleeping peacefully, I look at her and cry. I don’t understand what kind of animal I am, how can I react to the cry of my child? And then I hate myself! ” – Yulia from St. Petersburg shares with mothers-members of the forum. There were quite a few such “terrible mothers,” as Yulia calls herself: under her cry of the soul, 200 comments appeared with similar confessions.
“I went through it myself,” her compatriot Ekaterina reassures her. – Literally 2 months ago I already had a state of psychosis. I was wildly annoyed by my own child, I even shouted at him a couple of times, and he pursed his lips and began to scream even more. Then I cried with him … ”. Maria from Nizhny Novgorod echoes them: “Most of us have such problems, sometimes I don’t want to live directly, when I cannot put her to sleep, I often fall into hysterics, yell at her, I want to strangle myself for this behavior, and I don’t understand why I am so angry in a fit of these whims, as if someone possesses me … ”.
Here, moms share tips on how to be in such a situation:
“My experienced mother suggested a way to control emotions. If I feel that anger is rolling, I put the child on the bed and go out for 5 minutes, calm down and only then return to the child. ” And here’s another recommendation: “Send your grandmother or husband for a walk with the child for at least an hour, take a bath yourself, sleep or go somewhere to unwind. If there is no one around, and you are very angry with the child, then go out into another room and catch your breath, open the window, take a breath of fresh air, calm down and return to the child – nothing if he shouts for five minutes without you. “
Psychologist Evgeny Zinger explained that the situation when a mother is angry with her baby is completely normal for any woman and cannot be avoided. The situation should be viewed from different positions and depending on the age of the child.
If this happens in relation to a baby up to a year, then there are several main reasons.
– It should be borne in mind that after giving birth, a woman’s lifestyle changes very much. Often (if the family does not have a nanny and a maid), the mother has to sacrifice many things that were very important for her in her previous, childless life: meetings with friends, work, creativity, a fitness club, personal care … And just the opportunity to go to the street and do what you want. Any person, finding himself in such conditions, will undoubtedly be angry. This may not be a prison in the literal sense, but something similar: the restrictions that a woman seemed to go to consciously, nevertheless cause her inner protest. The second factor of outbursts of anger: a person who sleeps a little and gets tired, aggressiveness increases many times, this has been proven by scientific experiments. Third factor. A woman is not a robot, but a living person, she also has a husband, and, possibly, other children, and her own mother and father … And all this affects her mood, which is not always rosy.
If you put all this on the situation: three o’clock in the morning, the woman slept for only a couple of hours, and her “angel” screams and does not want to calm down, although her mother has tried all the methods … The woman does not understand what else she can do so that he does not cry … It is normal for a person to be angry.
– So, we can tell these mothers: this does not mean that you are a bad mother!
– Of course, this is typical of all mothers. In private conversations with me, many women confessed: I sometimes hate my child so much that I am ready to fuck him; I’m ready to yell, and bloody pictures appear before my eyes … Moreover, after half an hour I look at him and think, how could such a thing come to my mind? This is my life, my beloved child.
– But where is the border that cannot be crossed in your anger at the child? Suddenly my mother will not cope with her anger …
– Anger as an emotion that arises in a mother is absolutely natural, and it is normal when the child is one, three, and fifteen … But there is a fundamentally important point. It is one thing to feel anger inside myself, and another thing is how I express it. In this sense, the way of expressing anger should be adequate to the person with whom we are dealing. One thing is a baby, another thing is a two-year-old baby. The third case is my beloved husband and the fourth is the saleswoman of the sausage department. Psychological health is just about the ability to adequately choose the ways of expressing oneself in accordance with the situation. In other words, being angry with a child is absolutely normal, but hitting him at such moments is not normal.
– And what to do with this inner anger?
– The first rule: do not be ashamed of your anger, share it (share, speak with someone. – Auth.), in which case the anger will go away. For example, call a friend at this moment and pour out your indignation on her: “Listen, can you imagine, mine has been yelling for half an hour and will not calm down!” 2-3 minutes of such sharing – and the degree of rage will subside. Second: you need to find ways to unload yourself, free yourself from the child for a while, give yourself what you like, what you enjoy. Rest, replenish your vital resources. But how to do it, everyone has their own methods and preferences.
We asked a psychologist when a woman should go to a specialist. Here’s what he explained:
– Children often do things that make us unhappy, but the way to explain this to them will be different depending on the age of the child. For example, to explain something to babies with a cry, words will not work. The task of the mother in the infancy period is to contain, that is, to put her emotions and the child in a “container”, in this case it means that the mother does not just endure the crying of the child, but understands and accepts it, perceives the baby’s anger not as aggression directed against herself , but as his defensive reaction to attract the attention of the mother.
Therefore, the most important thing here is to understand whether the mother remembers that a) she is now dealing with a child and b) how old is he? If she catches herself thinking that I will now “beat” him, throw something at him, this is clearly an inadequate expression of anger. The help of a specialist is required if a woman is visited by outbursts of anger, during which she loses control.
Further. Often the mother punishes herself for the fact that the child, as she believes, feels her anger and her dissatisfaction with him. The second reason for turning to a psychologist is if she is constantly tormented by a feeling of guilt, namely, a destructive feeling of guilt that does not go away for a long time (we all feel guilt as such from time to time). Because in the end, this only makes the child worse.
In moments of irritation with a child, a woman should strive to understand (and since anger will prevent this, you need to go into another room and cool down, look at the situation from the outside), is there a reason to be angry with her child, or a woman in life that something happens, and she just takes out her frustration on him. If there is a reason – for example, the baby is capricious, smears porridge on the table or pulls on his pants for half an hour, and she is in a hurry somewhere – then in this situation (I emphasize, if the mother is psychologically stable!) She can keep her anger inside herself and in a rather calm tone tell the child: “I’m angry with you now, we agreed on this and this, and you are doing this and this. I’m not happy and I don’t like it at all. ” She can be 300% angry, and will give the child 25% – that is, in proportion to the one with whom she is dealing. And it is very important that she does it. This helps the child to feel the boundaries of what is allowed, what is allowed and what is not.
And if you have soberly assessed yourself and the situation and saw that there is no reason for anger, if you cannot measure your anger and the child’s ability to perceive it, if you constantly feel like a bad mother, if you do not feel anything at all for the child, or if the slightest a whim causes rage and you want to hit him, then, perhaps, you cannot do without the help of a psychologist.