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Psychologist gives advice to mothers lashing out at their children

Women’s forums are filled with screams of despair from young mothers: I hate my child when he yells, what should I do? And after bouts of anger, bouts of remorse follow – how can you be so annoyed with a sweet angel? After all, this means that she is not a mother, but an echidna, and she will burn in hell for terrible thoughts …

Together with the psychologist Yevgeny Zinger, we are figuring out whether such recurring “anti-mother” feelings are the norm and what to do at such moments so as not to harm your own child?

When the angel pisses you off, share the anger

“When my daughter cries because of colic, I just get furious with these screams! And after another attack, I see my daughter sleeping peacefully, I look at her and cry. I don’t understand what kind of animal I am, how can I react to the cry of my child? And then I hate myself! ” – Yulia from St. Petersburg shares with mothers-members of the forum. There were quite a few such “terrible mothers,” as Yulia calls herself: under her cry of the soul, 200 comments appeared with similar confessions.

“I went through it myself,” her compatriot Ekaterina reassures her. – Literally 2 months ago I already had a state of psychosis. I was wildly annoyed by my own child, I even shouted at him a couple of times, and he pursed his lips and began to scream even more. Then I cried with him … ”. Maria from Nizhny Novgorod echoes them: “Most of us have such problems, sometimes I don’t want to live directly, when I cannot put her to sleep, I often fall into hysterics, yell at her, I want to strangle myself for this behavior, and I don’t understand why I am so angry in a fit of these whims, as if someone possesses me … ”.

Here, moms share tips on how to be in such a situation:

“My experienced mother suggested a way to control emotions. If I feel that anger is rolling, I put the child on the bed and go out for 5 minutes, calm down and only then return to the child. ” And here’s another recommendation: “Send your grandmother or husband for a walk with the child for at least an hour, take a bath yourself, sleep or go somewhere to unwind. If there is no one around, and you are very angry with the child, then go out into another room and catch your breath, open the window, take a breath of fresh air, calm down and return to the child – nothing if he shouts for five minutes without you. “

Psychologist Evgeny Zinger explained that the situation when a mother is angry with her baby is completely normal for any woman and cannot be avoided. The situation should be viewed from different positions and depending on the age of the child.

If this happens in relation to a baby up to a year, then there are several main reasons.

– It should be borne in mind that after giving birth, a woman’s lifestyle changes very much. Often (if the family does not have a nanny and a maid), the mother has to sacrifice many things that were very important for her in her previous, childless life: meetings with friends, work, creativity, a fitness club, personal care … And just the opportunity to go to the street and do what you want. Any person, finding himself in such conditions, will undoubtedly be angry. This may not be a prison in the literal sense, but something similar: the restrictions that a woman seemed to go to consciously, nevertheless cause her inner protest. The second factor of outbursts of anger: a person who sleeps a little and gets tired, aggressiveness increases many times, this has been proven by scientific experiments. Third factor. A woman is not a robot, but a living person, she also has a husband, and, possibly, other children, and her own mother and father … And all this affects her mood, which is not always rosy.

Photo: vitvesti.by

If you put all this on the situation: three o’clock in the morning, the woman slept for only a couple of hours, and her “angel” screams and does not want to calm down, although her mother has tried all the methods … The woman does not understand what else she can do so that he does not cry … It is normal for a person to be angry.

– So, we can tell these mothers: this does not mean that you are a bad mother!

– Of course, this is typical of all mothers. In private conversations with me, many women confessed: I sometimes hate my child so much that I am ready to fuck him; I’m ready to yell, and bloody pictures appear before my eyes … Moreover, after half an hour I look at him and think, how could such a thing come to my mind? This is my life, my beloved child.

– But where is the border that cannot be crossed in your anger at the child? Suddenly my mother will not cope with her anger …

– Anger as an emotion that arises in a mother is absolutely natural, and it is normal when the child is one, three, and fifteen … But there is a fundamentally important point. It is one thing to feel anger inside myself, and another thing is how I express it. In this sense, the way of expressing anger should be adequate to the person with whom we are dealing. One thing is a baby, another thing is a two-year-old baby. The third case is my beloved husband and the fourth is the saleswoman of the sausage department. Psychological health is just about the ability to adequately choose the ways of expressing oneself in accordance with the situation. In other words, being angry with a child is absolutely normal, but hitting him at such moments is not normal.

– And what to do with this inner anger?

– The first rule: do not be ashamed of your anger, share it (share, speak with someone. – Auth.), in which case the anger will go away. For example, call a friend at this moment and pour out your indignation on her: “Listen, can you imagine, mine has been yelling for half an hour and will not calm down!” 2-3 minutes of such sharing – and the degree of rage will subside. Second: you need to find ways to unload yourself, free yourself from the child for a while, give yourself what you like, what you enjoy. Rest, replenish your vital resources. But how to do it, everyone has their own methods and preferences.

We asked a psychologist when a woman should go to a specialist. Here’s what he explained:

– Children often do things that make us unhappy, but the way to explain this to them will be different depending on the age of the child. For example, to explain something to babies with a cry, words will not work. The task of the mother in the infancy period is to contain, that is, to put her emotions and the child in a “container”, in this case it means that the mother does not just endure the crying of the child, but understands and accepts it, perceives the baby’s anger not as aggression directed against herself , but as his defensive reaction to attract the attention of the mother.

Therefore, the most important thing here is to understand whether the mother remembers that a) she is now dealing with a child and b) how old is he? If she catches herself thinking that I will now “beat” him, throw something at him, this is clearly an inadequate expression of anger. The help of a specialist is required if a woman is visited by outbursts of anger, during which she loses control.

Further. Often the mother punishes herself for the fact that the child, as she believes, feels her anger and her dissatisfaction with him. The second reason for turning to a psychologist is if she is constantly tormented by a feeling of guilt, namely, a destructive feeling of guilt that does not go away for a long time (we all feel guilt as such from time to time). Because in the end, this only makes the child worse.

In moments of irritation with a child, a woman should strive to understand (and since anger will prevent this, you need to go into another room and cool down, look at the situation from the outside), is there a reason to be angry with her child, or a woman in life that something happens, and she just takes out her frustration on him. If there is a reason – for example, the baby is capricious, smears porridge on the table or pulls on his pants for half an hour, and she is in a hurry somewhere – then in this situation (I emphasize, if the mother is psychologically stable!) She can keep her anger inside herself and in a rather calm tone tell the child: “I’m angry with you now, we agreed on this and this, and you are doing this and this. I’m not happy and I don’t like it at all. ” She can be 300% angry, and will give the child 25% – that is, in proportion to the one with whom she is dealing. And it is very important that she does it. This helps the child to feel the boundaries of what is allowed, what is allowed and what is not.

And if you have soberly assessed yourself and the situation and saw that there is no reason for anger, if you cannot measure your anger and the child’s ability to perceive it, if you constantly feel like a bad mother, if you do not feel anything at all for the child, or if the slightest a whim causes rage and you want to hit him, then, perhaps, you cannot do without the help of a psychologist.

Ministry of Internal Affairs asked for the right to take children from careless parents

The Ministry of Internal Affairs is in favor of obtaining the right to “temporary isolation” of children from their parents in cases where the child is in danger. In connection with what such a need has arisen and what will its implementation result in, will there not be abuses on the part of the police, the public’s trust in which leaves much to be desired? “MK” tried to understand this difficult issue.

Stanislav KOLESNIK, head of the Department for Ensuring Public Order and Coordination of Interaction with the Executive Authorities of the subjects of the Ministry of Internal Affairs, told MK:

– This problem is very urgent: the number of crimes against minors is increasing. Over the past four years, their number has increased by 90%. But when it comes to removing a child from the family, the Family Code gives such powers at the moment only to the guardianship authorities, which, of course, do not work around the clock. They are not on duty, as in law enforcement agencies. And when police officers receive a message about the dangerous situation of a child, they are forced to act independently.

We have the authority to pick up children who are in a state of neglect. We confiscate them, place them in social or medical institutions, and then they are dealt with by the guardianship authorities. But it happens in different ways. Let’s say we come to an apartment with drunk parents. The child is in danger. What to do in such a situation when guardianship has a day off? We, of course, take measures to protect him, but it turns out that the police officers are exceeding their powers …

We are not saying that we need to be empowered with unconditional powers in the matter of removing a child from a family, as some media outlets broadcast. It is necessary to work out a mechanism, an algorithm for the actions of all subjects who are involved in this process when the child is in danger.

– But there can be abuses by the police?

– We have been doing this work for many years. And excesses can be everywhere: both in excessive measures in responding to a situation, and in non-response. The human factor always exists. But the time has come to settle this issue.

– Are there people in the police specially trained to communicate with children?

– Of course, there are juvenile affairs units for this. Trained employees work there, many of them with pedagogical education.

Member of the Council under the Government of the Russian Federation on issues of guardianship in the social sphere, President of the Volunteers to Help Orphans Charity Fund Elena ALSHANSKAYA for its part, “MK” explained:

– Even now, in 90% of cases of actual selection of children from families, this is done by the police, and only in 10% it is done by guardianship. Indeed, at this time, the police are forced to act at the junction of the law: law enforcement agencies are forced to “pull by the ears” Article 120 of the Federal Law – when children can be taken away if they are left “without supervision,” although in fact the child has parents. Now only the guardianship authorities are empowered to take children away. Having seized the child, they must, within seven days, submit documents to the prosecutor’s office with a claim for deprivation or restriction of parental rights. But, firstly, it is difficult to collect such a package of documents in seven days, and secondly, it completely closes the child’s path back to the family. The law does not provide for a third option: that you can not deprive anyone of their rights, not limit their rights, but for example, return the child back, work with the family. After all, it is not known whether this is a one-time situation or a permanent one.

– Do you think there can be abuses on the part of the police if you give them the powers in question?

– A big minus of police visits is that they are used to seeing danger where it might not actually be. The police, I suspect, are now making child removal decisions more often than social services. You need to find an adequate option. To avoid these excessive selections. I would suggest not giving these powers to the police if there is no corpus delicti. Nevertheless, I am inclined to change the system of guardianship bodies. It is necessary to strengthen personnel, to make guardianship working around the clock, or at least to bring on duty. And then we can tell the police: these are not your stories.

Another important point: we must have places where we could move not only the child who is in danger, but also other family members. We do not have such temporary places. Therefore, it is necessary to change and build this entire system. And also such a moment: it is necessary to provide for the possibility so that the child can be quickly and painlessly transferred to relatives or acquaintances of adults immediately, without registration of guardianship or having issued it in an hour. And it is not necessary to take him either to this unfortunate hospital, where he will be alone in the ward, or to the shelter.

Kirkorov spoke about “marrying the mother of his children”

Philip Kirkorov reacted to the news of the alleged marriage “to the mother of her children” – the daughter of Alla Victoria and son Martin, who were smashed by a magpie on the tail of a model, a socialite, a Rublev wife and part-time “singer” Alena Kravets in an interview with one of the publications.

Socialite Alena Kravets got entangled in rumors and biological cycles

“I have no idea who Kravets is and what this is all about,” the pop king responded to our question without hiding irritation. He added in his hearts: “Some kind of stupidity!”

Meanwhile, Ms. Kravets, about whom, as well as about his “marriage”, Mr. Kirkorov has no idea, refers to “evidence” that any court could qualify only as circumstantial, although the woman claims everything with with such categorical confidence that she herself is the mother of these children, at whose feet the pop king fidgeted almost the other day, snatching the wedding ring.

Perhaps she would have wanted such an outcome, but the lady is already busy – by her own admission, she is “working off karma” in a Rublev marriage. According to Rublyovka, all these rumors are circulating. Well, where else can they go? What else could be more urgent for the guests of this geolocation? In addition, it is a one hundred percent guarantee to remind you of yourself, your beloved …

The logic of Kravets – in accordance with the entire depth of her picture of the world – is as simple as it is convincing. Firstly, Kirkorov was spotted in a wedding dress salon. Didn’t you choose a dress for yourself? – Observationally realized, most likely, the singer. And in general, how long can you walk in brothels? There are no other worries …

Due to the fact that the rating of the “socialite” in the categories “charisma”, “professionalism”, “attractiveness” fluctuates according to polls on the Internet in the range from 2.8 to 4.3 on a 10-point scale, then, of course, the news about the wedding is pop- King on New Year’s Eve, it was also possible to adjust the price of their own shares on the show exchange. If, of course, someone is trading these shares.

In general, we need to do something. A deck of cards spread out the speculations about who is worthy of the hand of the king of pop, once again recognized by VTsIOM as the “musician of the year” of All Russia – of course, according to a survey of the population scared by the coronavirus. Philip’s favorite DJ Katya Guseva is good, beautiful, but, damn it, “no match” – as if again hinting at herself, Madame Kravets reasoned. But she missed the main thing in her picture of the world: Kirkorov’s children have not one, but two mothers, and Philip then, as a real Shahin Shah, should immediately start a harem.

Daughter Alla Victoria was born on November 26, 2011, son Martin – June 29, 2012 The difference is less than nine months .. Therefore, Madame Kravets missed the “mother of two children of Kirkorov.”

And, of course, one must completely not know Philip Bedrosovich himself, so that, fantasizing about him sensational gossip, come up with the most incredible possible. The point is not even that if Mr. Kirkorov wanted to make public the names of the women who gave birth to his beloved children, he would not have pulled the rubber for 8 years, let alone getting married.

Philip just can’t get married anymore. Why? Because. Who, pray tell, after the main and only woman of his entire life – Alla Svet Borisovna – will be so convincing on this throne? That’s it. And the pop king will never agree to anything less, even if Alena Kravets herself puts on a wedding dress from Anika Kerimova’s salon …

A book of fairy tales has been released about Russian children-heroes

Lyonya Golikov, Volodya Dubinin, Marat Kazei, Zina Portnova – among those who grew up in the USSR, the names of pioneer heroes still bounce off their teeth … And how do our children relate to feat today? Should parents educate a child so that at the decisive moment he rushes to the aid of another, sometimes risking his own life? Should we call him to sacrifice in the name of his homeland?

New life of Leni Golikov and Marat Kazei

Meanwhile, while adults are discussing patriotic education, which the state now focuses on, children perform feats, saving their loved ones, kids, pets …

In the spring of 2018, the Chelyabinsk region was exhausted from forest fires. The flame was approaching the village of Tavrankul. Alyosha Myshkovets, 14, got behind the wheel of a tractor and plowed the land around his native village, preventing the fire from passing further.

From the age of five, the boy himself drove a big car. Except for himself, he had no one to hope for. My father left on business, the rescuers of the Ministry of Emergency Situations extinguished the neighboring villages … “It was about five minutes to think. Then he started, picked up the plow and drove off, ”Aleksey said that he was not scared for himself, he was only afraid that their house and grandmother’s would burn down. A neighbor joined him, then another villager, and then Dad arrived in time … The whole world stopped the fire. Savvy Lesha was awarded the Hurry to Do Good – 2019 medal. Although they could have scolded – after all, he did not have a driver’s license.

… This story is similar to a fairy tale or an epic. She eventually turned into a fairy tale. Thirty young Russians who have committed heroic deeds have become heroes of a book of fairy tales this year, in which their exploits are written in the most simple and understandable way, as a positive example to other children.

The book of fairy tales tells about thirty boys and girls who performed a feat. Photo: From personal archive

The tale is not a lie

The idea to write a book of fairy tales about real schoolchildren began with the Exploits of Ordinary People project, which was invented in Saransk six and a half years ago. A group of young bloggers decided to create an alternative to the stream of terrible news in the media, they developed a website dedicated to the exploits of our contemporaries. It’s hard to believe, but every day in Russia someone commits a heroic deed.

It’s just that most of these events pass by from around the world.

As the creators of the project themselves say, for six and a half years of work, they have collected more than 8 thousand stories of the exploits of Russians and the public in their archives. Saransk enthusiasts, on a voluntary basis, began to post three posts on the Internet about heroes, both large and small, on a daily basis.

I take any day for the current month. For example, November 12, 2019. The fate of the entrepreneur Mikhail Dankov, who, together with orphans, is restoring the cedar villages. The tragic story about the head of the Kholm-Zhirkovsky district of the Smolensk region, Oleg Makarov, who died saving neighbors in a fire, and also the story of 14-year-old Dima Apresov, who pulled out a girl who fell through the ice. In general, the percentage of feats accomplished by children is not much less than the feats of adults. Girls are on a par with boys here.

Therefore, the second project, as a logical continuation of the first, was devoted exclusively to children-heroes.

– Our stories about adult exploits, as it turned out, were read by mothers to children before going to bed. We thought maybe kids aren’t interested in boring facts. So the idea was born to write a book of fairy tales about children-heroes, – explains Natalia Shirokova, editor-in-chief.

“Our mission is to awaken the children’s indifference to the misfortune of others, to show that anyone can become a hero, for this you don’t need to have any superpowers,” Denis Shapkarin, the author of the idea, is convinced.

The idea of ​​how to make our world kinder came to Denis shortly after the birth of his daughter; he suddenly thought about the environment in which his child will live, indifferent or sympathetic, whom to look up to, what kind of person to grow up, and decided that it is not necessary to read notations to children – it is too boring, but tales about their peers are suitable for educational purposes as no better. Moreover, unlike ordinary fairy tales, there is not a word of untruth here.

Lived once…

“In one small town there were three girls-friends. Like all children who know what a real snowy winter is, they loved to slide down the hill. Especially with the one on the river bank. It was the longest and very slippery “- this is how the story” Captive by the river “begins quite traditionally.

“One small town” is Ivanteevka near Moscow. The river is here Ucha. Not fenced in anything, every winter it attracts the attention of children and adolescents who ride down the ice slide – who will fly farther.

The heroes of this tale are real schoolgirls Dasha Shabashova and Alina Bukur. Alina ran after her ice floe on the weak ice and … fell into the wormwood. While the third girlfriend rushed for help, Dasha resolutely lay down on the ice and crawled forward.

“A textbook on life safety opened in my head. She was never distracted in this lesson. Yeah, you have to get on all fours … Closer! Closer! There is a contact! Now Alina has a fulcrum. One meter, another meter from the shore. We got to our feet. Alina was wet to the skin, her lips were blue, like a river under ice ”- and this is already a quote from a book of fairy tales.

“A quiet and calm girl, they did not expect this from her, – dad Andrey is surprised at the heroic act of his daughter. – Frankly, she came to her senses for a long time after the feat, there was also the end of the quarter. The realization of how it all could end for them and Alina did not come immediately. “

Authors of fairy tales in no way advise children, if an emergency occurs, immediately run and save. “The moral of most fairy tales is how not to get into an extreme situation,” continues Natalya Shirokova. “Our main task is to convince the child that if trouble has come, we need to contact the Ministry of Emergency Situations and other rescue services as soon as possible, but if for some reason this is impossible or there is no time, then we will have to act ourselves.”

The story of Dasha and Alina teaches other children that being on the river, even if frozen, is still unsafe. And if the ice breaks, then you should act quickly and calmly. You can build a “train” of people crawling one after another, they will hold each other by the legs, and the very first and strongest “locomotive” will pull a drowning man out of the water.

What has this fairy tale taught adults? It looks like nothing. As residents of Ivanteevka say themselves, children are still playing by the water. Last December, when TV crews came to shoot a story about Dasha’s feat, the local authorities vowed that this would not happen again. But, apparently, prohibitive signs did not appear in a year …

The last Hero

“We tried to diversify the fairy tales as much as possible so that no one would repeat the other,” the authors say.

A tale told by an old burnt-out house about how a boy took a 90-year-old mistress out of it. A fairy tale on behalf of a white-sided magpie about a 9-year-old fourth-grader Kirill Kemaykin from Mordovia who saved a 4-year-old sister. Their hut this August broke out because of the old wiring, the girl huddled in the closet out of fear.

Kirill Kemaykin from Mordovia saved his younger sister.Photo: From personal archive

The children were left alone at home. So in the villages it is usually customary – parents need to earn a living. Suddenly the TV went out and black dust hung in the air. It was smoke … Cyril was not taken aback, broke the window with his fist and did not leave until the last, until he found little Lisa.

“He is a real hero, our Kiryusha!” – said the magpie boastfully. The animals looked at each other and cheered approvingly. No one doubted that their friend was the kindest boy in the world ”- this is again an excerpt from a fairy tale.

“I am proud that he is my son,” said Kirill’s mother Elena in real life. Alas, the family of the young hero at the moment is four of them huddled with their grandmother, in one room; the money allocated by the state was enough only for the foundation of a new house, they are waiting in line for the subsidy, but when it will be paid again … “Thank God, everyone remained intact, this is the main thing,” Mom exclaims through tears. When I ask Elena about the secrets of upbringing, how she managed to raise the boy so brave, the woman wonders: “They didn’t seem to do anything on purpose, but Kirill is really very kind and attentive. I’m not afraid to let Liza go with him. They walk together, both on the playground and in the store – in general, they are a real elder brother. “

Children themselves, by the way, unlike adults, usually do not like to talk about what they have done. It is in our Russian mentality to praise ourselves as little as possible, to deny the significance of our actions. This is how our parents raised us, this is how we raise our children. There were even guys who didn’t want to be written about. “Of course, before publicly telling everyone about the heroic deed of the child, we take personal consent from his parents,” the authors add.

At the end of each magical story there is a real photograph and a short description of the feat. All children were awarded orders and medals for their deed, it is not difficult to track their further life path on the Internet.

The youngest character, Kirill Kemaykin, is 9 years old. The eldest, Rashid Tumgoev from the Ingush village of Surkhokhi, who carried eight children out of a mudflow that descended from the mountains, is 17.

The only point that the authors of the book of fairy tales insist on is that its end should be happy. For example, this summer, 11-year-old Aleksey Martynenko, who was dragging children out of the Kholdomi camp in the Khabarovsk Territory, was burned to death from burns. He was posthumously awarded the Order of Courage. “We adore such actions, and yet our fundamental condition is that in a fairy tale the main character will definitely stay alive.”